Blarg

So I love seeing people being all happy and their wedding pictures and hearing about their pregnancies, but then every once in a while I realize how much I want all that to be me. I'm the typical girl, I've been planning my perfect wedding and my kids' names since I was like 10. So now that I see it becoming a reality around me with just about every one I know, it makes me wonder if I'll ever really get all that. I just want to close my eyes and have my life started, I'm sick of waiting. I don't want to watch people get engaged/married and have kids. I want to experience it. And I know while part of me thinks that if I were to magically get that in my life I'd be happier, but I know that none of that will give me a job or money or make me be able to survive in the real world on my own. Sometimes I just want to quit trying because nothing works out like I'd like it to. In the words of Bruce: "God is a kid with a magnifying glass and I'm the ant".

I sit here and write all this and then I feel guilty because I love Zach very much and I know he loves me too, but it doesn't stop me from wanting all that. If anything it makes me want it more. I don't want anything I say or think to hurt him. He goes out and he works and makes money and I can't even get a job. I just feel useless, and it wouldn't surprise me if he never decided to propose or anything like that because whats the point in being with someone who can't get a job at Walmart even. Whatever...